


Nepenthe

by Kitsu



Category: Bleach
Genre: M/M, introspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-09
Updated: 2009-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-15 13:34:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5787121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kitsu/pseuds/Kitsu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's not love, that they're both sure about. What does that leave them with?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Nepenthe

It's not a grand romance, this thing we share, you and I – it's nothing like the stories in the books we've all read.  
  
You've already found the one true love of your life and lost her again in all too short a time – the wounds left by her passing deeper than any a sword could ever leave behind, the pain they caused changed you in more ways than I care to think about,   
  
You don't have to say it, I already know I'm only a replacement, a substitute for _her_. Still, I don't care, it doesn't matter, because I don't believe in 'true love', not the way you do – even though every playwright and author whose stories I've read have tried to convince me otherwise with their pretty words of everlasting love and adoration.  
  
I only believe in the present, in the tangible, in what I can grasp with my own two hands - and if that something is the tangle of your hair between my fingers as I fuck you hard up against a wall in the division headquarters, that is what I'll take.   
  
If it is to hear you moan my name, to feel you writhe under me, that's what I'll have.  
  
If it is to hear your soft plea of "fuck me until I forget" whispered in my ear, that is what I'll do.  
  
Because you are my Captain, my Master. The one with the firmest hold over my heart.   
  
But it's not love, no. Sure, I feel something for you – admiration, affection, attraction, other interesting things starting with an 'a', and some would probably argue that this is what constitutes love. But as long as you heart isn't in it, then neither can mine be. If it was, it would have been broken a thousand times over by now – shattering further every time you order me to make you forget.  
  
Because I know what I am to you – I am only an anodyne to take away the pain of living on without _her_. A drug to take your thoughts off the pain and sorrow that is eating you up from the inside and polluting your relationships with everyone else.   
  
I am what's keeping you sane, and I fear that if I ever let go, you will drift away from us all.   
  
So I will be here for you for as long as you need it, even though I tell myself that it's not love.   
  
Though deep down, I fear it is.  
  
xxxxx  
  
It is truly not an eternal love, this thing we share. I already found and lost my one love, my soul-mate. But where _her_ memory is a dark hole within my heart that is trying to swallow up every last piece of joy in my life, your presence is a radiant light that erases the pain. It's not love, but it is a relief.   
  
I know what you think – that I am using you to forget – and in ways it is true. But it could only be you, nobody else. Only you will do.   
  
Only your warm, calloused fingers against my skin, only your battle-hard body moving against mine, your teeth against my skin, red hair between my fingers as I grasp for purchase, you filling me up completely as we both tumble over the edge together, so many times, over and over.  
  
Only your voice in my ear chanting soft words you don't even know you are speaking out loud. Only you telling me you'll be there for as long as I need you when you think I'm asleep by your side in a bed that's not mine. Your fingers stroking my hair surprisingly gently before we both drift asleep. Your fingers tangled in my hair, refusing to let go as I try to slip away in the night, tying me to you until the morning sun rises, and you slowly awake. Your eyes following me as I leave, with no promises of a return.   
  
Your arms that always welcome me back whenever the darkness overcomes me yet another time.  
  
And with every day passing, I feel that my once steadfast belief in her being my heart's only haven yielding away to another belief – that maybe there is more room in my heart than I originally thought, that maybe there is room for you even without having to let go of _her_ memory.   
  
Because nothing could ever dull the pain of loss as much as you, no one could ever make me feel as alive again as I do when I'm with you - my sweet nepenthe.  
  
xxxxx  
  
It's not love, this thing we share – but some day it might become it.


End file.
